her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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