while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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