I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I want a musical about memes.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
