you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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