will power is for people who don't want to get laid
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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