I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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