Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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