He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
