halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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