I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
