I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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