FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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