Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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