If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
