when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
