You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
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so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
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I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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