Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
