How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
