Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
