so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
