You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
