Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
