No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
