i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
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Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
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I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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