i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
