The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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