mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
So squirting runs in the family.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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