i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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