Jerry, you need to find god
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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