His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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