On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
