I accidentally burped into my bong.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
