I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
