The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I wish you could order shots online.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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