I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
