were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
