turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
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