just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Bring me that man meat
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
