my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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