You smell like a Billy Joel song
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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