I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
