Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
