if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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