I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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