Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
