I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
