shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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