he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
