My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
