he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
