So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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