There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
