hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
