Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
