Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
