This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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