Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
