Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
