if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
