your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
