just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
