I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
