My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
