a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We have started to decorate penises.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
