im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
